Sunday, July 25, 2021

Worshipping Feelings

 Something I have realized over the past few weeks and months is that most people do not really care about anyone else, and that the people who are more apt to proclaim or present themselves that they do are more apt to be abusers or predators. It’s a tired and worn trope that “nice guys” and “male feminists” are all either rapists or sexual abusers, but it’s tired and worn because this is the case more often than not. The act they put on, their inability to be willfully cruel or have a backbone, is something they present because they are like a strip club or casino which puts attractive lights and sensuous iconography on their external shell to hide that they are just trying to lure in victims.

            Most people, male or female, are not capable of love. When they’re “in love” or “love somebody”, they are really just enjoying the emotions they are feeling inside their head. They are not happy for or content that they could generate positive feelings inside of somebody else’s head, because they don’t care about the other person outside of that person being a prop. If they found themselves in a position where they could get away with leaving the “person they love” for some stronger and more pleasurable feeling without running any risk of being punished for their betrayal, 99% of people would easily and instantly do this. They might “feel bad” about it, but even that is a lie they tell themselves. They pathologize this completely reasonable and logical feeling of being a bad person who is horrible, and then turn it into some “guilt” that needs to be overcome, instead of embraced and accepted.

            Most people like me or find me charming, not because they actually like me or find me charming, but because they worship their feelings like they should worship God. They say I’m smart, not because they have any conception of intelligence, but because I communicate things in a manner in which people feel delight in their brains that makes them feel good, and anything that makes them feel good or clever must mean the other person is smart. I’m quite foolish and idiotic, I’ve done far more stupid things in even my childhood and even now than most high IQ people will ever do in their entire life. I know I’m not smart, I know I’m not special, that’s why I am so effortlessly able to weave together various threads of logic and intuition into something that gets called smart. I don’t worship my emotions, so I get worshipped by people who do worship their emotions. I struggle every day to be honest about my emotions internally, and then consider how they’re warping my perception of reality. I feel like I’m going crazy most of the time, but somehow my behavior is more lucid and clever than 99% of people because of that.

            Most people are slaves to their emotions. Look around you. This world runs on blood money. Churches and Temples exist in societies that are completely antithetical to their ostensible beliefs and standards. Nearly everything is the opposite of what it claims to be. Jails make people more likely to commit crime, psych wards make people more crazy than when they went in, police make neighborhoods more unsafe, doctors make their patients sicker, loving people enslave their partners for glorification of the self, religions push “God” while happily enabling societies that murder babies and push filth on children and sex work on women and encourage men to hurt each other. This whole thing is a sick joke.

            I literally can’t be honest to most people, because I learned from a young age that honesty gets me punished and hurts people as people are incapable of being honest. When I lie to people, when I say things that make them feel good but are harmful, people love me. They think I’m a great person, they see me as some saint. When I’m honest and try to help people, they think I’m judging them or accusing them of something or saying I’m superior to them rather than trying to share a helpful perspective to somebody I’m trying to treat how I treat myself. This is not the case with everybody, but it is the case with everybody who is not a creative and is rich, successful, popular, or supposedly smart or respectable.

            This whole thing can’t last. We have reached an inflexion point. The lies have built up to a breaking point. The weather is literally saying this if you know how to see clearly. Society increasingly resembles some insane person’s sadistic mockery of what society could be like if most people were capable of not worshipping their feelings, of recognizing their feelings as “noise” that warps their perception of themselves as well as their reality. It’s fine to have noise, but only in the context of understanding what the signal beneath the noise is, not what nearly everybody I see is doing, which is beginning to believe the noise is the signal. This is the beginning of the end for most people, because most people are legitimately insane powder kegs just a few nudges away from doing explicitly horrible external things to each other in the hopes of assuaging their internal neurosis that keeps to be building and building at an exponential rate. Look around you, not with eyes that are looking to see how you can build an environment that makes you feel good all the time, but with eyes that want to see reality for what it is. And reality is hell, or increasingly resembling what humans conjure up the idea of hell being, which is something that makes them feel bad internally, because humans worship internal feelings which are mirages rather than real things which actually exist.

            It must be stated, for both my own benefit and amusement, that I am doing quite well in life. I’ve never felt more content or at peace. I am not going to do anything about the stuff I said except talk about it when I feel is appropriate. I’m not going to try to stop what is inevitable, even though I know it would make me feel good to try to stop the inevitable and it makes me feel really sick and horrible when I think about what the future holds for people who worship human feelings inside them and confuse those feelings for something profound. I hate what is going on, what most people are like, and how most people are like. I will enjoy it when this whole charade implodes, because suffering and pain are what most people deserve and that is what they will get, but I will also be tortured in my own way, which is having control over my emotions and not getting caught up in the bloodlust and chaos that is just around the corner. People thought 2021 with Corona mandates was bad, that was nothing. Being forced to relax and spend less time in restaurants is not torture. What is coming will make lockdown and mask mandates look like spring break.

            The worshippers of feelings who have created this world and all its deranged inverted value systems are completely insane at this point. Their logic is the logic of somebody who is completely out of touch with reality or the truth. They should be content and happy now, they have nice cars and houses and easy food and travel and the internet, but they’re increasingly mentally ill and miserable. They are hurting  themselves and trying to hurt people like me, but too stupid to do it because they can’t even model what I value or what is important to me, because they are blind lemmings running off a cliff thinking they are God. This is the beginning of the end for this world, not in the sense that most people think, but in a very real, very tangible, very horrible and very insane manner which will undo all the deranged and evil value systems that now hold all positions of power and influence in literally everything institutional and established in a “respectable” or “prestigious” manner.

            Once again, this is not something I’m writing in distress or due to being upset or angry. As I write this, I’m perfectly calm and lucid. I’m not worried about myself, as I know I’ll be fine. It is not accusing anybody of anything, it is just being as honest as I can knowing full well there will be people who see this and make snarky comments or think that I’m having a mental breakdown. I went crazy and had a psychotic break in 2017 while everybody else seemed sane, now I’m feeling completely sane, life is going well for me, and I’m watching the entire world go crazy and have a psychotic break. I’ll help the world as well as they helped me when I had problems. I'll just do it in a willful, conscious manner instead of worshipping my feelings. I don't care about saving stuff or people I find evil.


  1. Worshipping emotions reminds me of Bernstein's intro here where he says the song reaches those who don't believe in organized religion. It's an ode to an emotion that gives people a religious feeling. But that ode and the emotion of joy seems more wholesome than what I think you're talking about. But is it the same?

    1. It is the same sort of thing, just a different sort of perspective and context. For me, a big thing is letting go of my desire to fix the world or prevent what I see as a nuclear explosion of sorts that is impending. It's not my role to play God or try to save people who don't ask for my help or want my help, for me to prevent them from getting what they're going to get would be me robbing them of a lesson in service of my desire to be a control freak soas to protect the feelings I have of me being some sort of savior. I will have to white knuckle through keeping myself from doing or really preventing anything for people who don't want me to do that, because it genuinely hurts me to see stuff I know is preventable if people relaxed and were nice to themselves and others, but also I'm finding out now I have more energy to help people who genuinely want to do well, and it balances out because that brings satisfaction and long term contentment for myself. Really we each have our own demons, mine was/is seeing myself as a good person and being trapped by that, and funnily enough by letting go of things that make me feel good I very quickly found the things I really have wanted for a long time. So it's the same thing described by Bernstein, just in my personal context so it looks a little different :)

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